well the worse is over. at least for this year. i think.
woots imf is over man. im thinking of goin on a shopping spree to reward myself for tahan-ing this period of time. hahaha but no money oso... :( so sad hor. haha
hmms think these two weeks have been really depressing. we were warned beforehand that it would take a toll on us, even when we're on off as well. and the two incidents that happened really knocked me off balance. yea plus this and that this and that. but honestly i din haf the worst job. think manpower side really flipped. they can not go home for 48 hours straight. i dunno how dey do it. but really earn my respect sial.
abit of thinking. after last night's talk wif the peeps and after reading guan's blog.
kinda revolves ard weder i shld let my parents noe wad i do sumtimes when i come home late. i understand i shldnt hafta hide anything. y not be honest so that they would just, sooner or later, get used to the fact that i am such and that they would accept me as i am. abit of booze and late night clubbing aint harmful wad.
and why should i be rushing home as early as possible when i'm already 19? i shld be out there living me independent life already. im even a policeman, so i shld well be able to take care of myself. y listen to my mum's hoos and haas?
well think it boils down not to how i look at my mum. but how i look at myself.
some things, when ur not in the family u dun understand. i haf a responsibility to my parents, as they haf a responsibility to me. they wish to stay up to wait for me its cos they feel responsible for my safe home-coming, as well as worried abt my well-being. they are afraid i may lose control and perhaps become this havoc kid one day. and perhaps that this act of staying up till i get home, wld get me to understand this feeling.
they succeeded i must say. i do understand that feeling already.
but understanding does not lead to compliance. im damn sure many ppl out there noes smoking aint good for their health in the long run, but still puff. im sure there are many ppl out there who think that sex shld be sumthin put aside for holy matrimony, but still do it. understanding does not lead to compliance.
so wad issit dat makes a difference? i feel that it is my responsibility to them. it is this feeling that i owe them something, that makes me say, it's time for me to go home. similarly, it's this sense of responsibility to my friends when i say, i think u shld go home. lemme send u home. it's the same. and if ur asking me wad do i owe my frenz? cos dey haf played a part in making me the person i am. and if ur asking me wad do i owe my parents. cos dey played the whole part in making me. literally. and bringing me up to 173 cm and 85kg today (99 when at peak). so when i say i cant go home late, it aint guilt. it aint shame. it's me trying to be what my parents tried to bring me up as. trying to be what they hope i can be. it's a noble cause. i respect that cause. but apparently it has pretty much failed on me.
and i noe im not fulfilling dat hope. cos behind em i do things. which they would be sad to find out one day. and it's not just once or twice as jialing and khailin kindly pointed out to me. it's been many times. so many i realise im getting numbed. i guess wad i heard recently at a talk was pretty true. the difference between instinct and conscience, is that we can deny our conscience. until one day we're numbed to it. that it doesnt remind us anymore. i'm pretty sure i've been denying my conscience and following my instinct all the while i attempt to shield my actions from my parents.
im not perfect. my actions contradict. my thoughts are ridiculous. but dats juz cos i wanna haf fun.
but as long as i respect my mum, and my dad, say hi to momma's boy.
